Friday, May 27, 2016

Wondering..

Sometimes I wonder what you are doing, how you are, if you are happy. 
Then I remember that those things are not important because you are not in my life or our daughters anymore.
I never imagined myself being 35 years old, single and pregnant but here I am 19 weeks going on 20. 
Apparently I am in my fifth month, I wonder what my baby girl will look like. Will she look more like me, more like you? Some kind of beautiful mix of us both? 
I see her on the monitors move and grow, her heart beats so loud and strong. 
I take care of myself best I can. I take my vitamins, I rest, I eat healthy, I meditate and pray. I do keep my promise to my baby girl and to myself daily health and happiness first. 
I love my baby girl. I wonder what it will feel like holding her in my arms. I look forward to looking into her eyes and seeing her look at me. I can't wait to touch her little hands and feet. 
I am thinking of names, but so far I just call our little baby Monkie, monk-monks, kies or mon-kai. When I feel her move around I tell her "What are you doing on there monking around little girl?" 
I never imagined myself talking to my belly but here I am talking to my little baby girl growing on me. 
It's the most interesting feeling. Feeling something bubble, flip, move, grow. 
Kinda like cramps or gas but just like flutters, not to painful just different. 
I do look forward to to continue to watch her grow. I can't wait to see her smile. 
I want more than anything for my baby girl to be healthy, safe, happy and loved.
I know she is all of those things right now, because I love her the best I can.
I think for the most part I am doing a pretty good job. Checking out hospitals going to parent groups and support, meeting other babies, educating myself on the birthing process, parenting skills, seeing all my doctors and following instructions, taking all the tests I can to make sure everything is ok and the way it should be. I am amazed at how well I have been coming along. Never thought I would actually care so much about such a small little being a small little life force baby. I am as prepared as I am going to be and will continue to learn all I can. 
I will be a better mom because of all the time and information I learn from now until the baby girl is born. 
Things maynot always be easy, sure I get alittle sad sometimes thinking I am doing this all on my own with no baby's father in my life. But he had his choice, and he's chosen to not be a dad. It makes me sad to think here is this little being this little girl who just did the best she can to grow and develop and become a combination of both parents and the father well he just left and decided he didn't want to see what happens next in her life, didn't even want her to come into existence, wishing his own child to miscarry and die and me to suffer and be miserable just because we accidently got pregnant and created a life a little baby together?? She doesn't deserve to be hated so much only because she continues to grow. Well my decision was to give her a chance to live and grow. I felt that with my spirtual views and just feelings around listening to her heart I had to do what was right for my soul and what I could live with. And giving my monkie girl a chance at life was the only decision I could choose for myself. 
I forgive him for leaving and having the thoughts and feeling he has expressed.  I do respect his decision to stay away because it gives me time and space to have to ability to enjoy the process alone in a healthy environment surrounded by loving family and friends who can support me. Anyways where ever he is I hope he finds peace, just as I have found peace in knowing that everything in my world is good and that I am truely grateful to be alive and have been given the opportunity to shift, change, grow, and experiance a new phase in my life. Motherhood. 
I look forward to the life adventures I knlw my little Monkie girl and I will have together. The first everythings are going to be amazing a great life changer and I know I will find joy and happiness in everything about the process. 
However things pan out I will do my best to take everything in with love, peace, acceptance, gratefulness, humility, kindness. I plan to honor myself and my little girl always and I wonder how it will all feel. I wonder how much I will change in the process I am already physically changing more and more each day as my little girl continues to grow. 
Just wondering... Thinking of all the possibilities that lay ahead.