Loving you.
There are times where I refuse to.
There are moments where I can't stop.
There is a part of me that will always belong to you.
A part of you that has imprinted itself into my soul.
I cannot run away.
I cannot hide.
It simply is part of loving you.
The pain of rejection.
The satisfaction of pleasure.
The denial and the acceptance.
Loving you is hard.
Challenging, compromising.
The push and the pull.
I want you.
I can't stand you.
Will it always be this way?
We've only just begun to live
I wanted to get around to helping Annabelle finish her valentines day cards for our loved friends and family. So we did that first thing before eating breakfast.
I didn't really feel like cooking cooking so I just tossed in some eggos and sasauges to warm and we ate that.
I decided I would go over to Godmoma Debs to dropoff the card and I was thinking about Candice as well since I was planning to drive down to Tujunga to see my mom.
I bought a dozen donuts to share with my mom since Annabelle said that is what she wanted to valentines day so I got her some. I left the whole box with my mom and she addmitted to me later in the evening out of the 12 donuts there was only 4 left!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. And I thought I was the bad one when it came to sweets.
Afterward headed back home and Landan came over and brought Annabelle Pizza and her own box of 6 donuts. We all ate (except Annabelle kept getting up to go sit on her boat and avoid sitting at the table).
We ended up chalk drawing outside and then playing outside with these squishy sensory water ball things that her OT therapist recommended.. But she tossed all of them out of the container and well that was that.
I was walking around in the chalk in my hand and decided to just draw hearts while we where outside walking around. The apartment still has the hearts and smiling faces everywhere.
I guess cause Annabelle likes smiling faces I just figured I would draw those.. I mean why not?
We ended the evening all snuggled in bed watching her frozen 2 movie and her reenacting the scene that she likes.
After Landan left I took a bath and decided to just passout early. Too tired for anything else.
PTSD.
Domestic Violence
Alcohol Abuse
Mentally Unstable
Drug Abuse
Narcissism
I can't even begin to describe the last 5 years of my life.
Well at least I can say that I put in effort the last 5 years.
I start counseling again.
To regain some of myself.
I've been in unhealthy for so long I just can't anymore.
I release this need to be important to you.
You've held my life back, I've held my life back because I was hoping that you would change and want to try for the sake of our daughter.
Never again will I make this mistake of thinking that things would be different.
Its part of a DV the person has the ability to keep pulling you back into their shit.
No more.
Its been a month since court.
Your family can visit and bond with Annabelle now without me around.
They might believe that you are a different person, they might believe that I am the terrible person that you make me to be in your own head but the way I see it your entire family isn't worth this waste of energy.
This pain I've caused myself by trying to fix or improve or whatever to keep you happy.
There is no keeping you happy.
I've been disappointed, abused, lied to, manipulated, deceived.
No more. I hope you get help for all of your problems.
I will practice empathy and just say you are unwell and need professional help.
This is my turning point.
I am moving forward with my life.
I am moving on without you.
Goodbye.
Just another day of waking up with this achiness in my heart.
He’s gone away from me
He’s gone away for me
He’s got away for good
Now there’s nothing left except this empty space where he used to rest in my bed
He’s gone away for good
Just another day of wondering why I kicked you out of our home
I’ve gone away from you
I’ve gone away for you
I’ve got away for good
Now there’s nothing left where are used to rest but this emptiness in your bed
I’ve gone away for good
Just another day of longing for a better life ahead
She’s gone away from us
She’s gone away for us
she’s got away for good
Now there’s nothing left except this emptiness in our beds
she’s gone away for good
He’s gone away from me
I’ve got away from you
she’s gone away from us
We’ve gone away for good
We've done away for good
We’ve got away for good
Written May 10 2020 ©
Crislyn Sand
https://soundcloud.com/crislynsand/gone-away-for-good
I wrote this song because in Jan 2020 Annabelle's father and I had gotten to a place in our relationship that I just couldn't be around him anymore because he would drink and get drunk and say things that would upset me. It is difficult with all the stress I already had in my life so I reached a place where I just couldn't take the domestic violence anymore so I kicked him out. A few days later I found out he had gone out on a date with some random girl he met at a local bar and then suddenly was in this new relationship and SO in love.. I felt betrayed at first (even though Annabelles dad and I haven't been in a relationship for along time it still felt like I had been cheated on and it hurt my heart how suddenly he moved on).
But I during that same time had met a new guy and begun my own new dating relationship but with more caution.. So I felt my heart disconnect form Annabelle's father in a way that was healing and healthy. Which is why I chose the lyrics "gone away for good"
The last verse was a combination of my thought of what if Annabelle feels the shift and change in the dynamic of the family - her family mom and dad seperating and decides she doesn't want to be in physical form anymore? I mean I have often wondered with her CHD how many more surgeries she would have to endure to buy more time to live a longer life. I have often believed that Annabelle was an angel a gift given to me by god to help heal my heart and my life.. What if when my heart and my life is finally healed my loan of this angel would be gone? What if Annabelle one day decided she no longer wanted to fight? I would be heart broken over again cause there would be nothing left to hold on to and eventually in time I would have to find a way to carry on.
