bad habits are hard to break

going thru old emails i found buried around in my in box.
ok i know better, i know i shouldn't.
but i can't help it.
i've been just trying to figure out where the last almost 4 years of my life went.
now i know.
they were spent with a confused man.
hopefully now you can be able to understand why i don't want to have a relationship right now,
or at least for a while.
you wanted the truth..

well then just read below and you can have the truth.
now hopefully you can see why as much as i love you,
i'm still broken and need time and space to heal before I can love again.






---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Christopher Hewat
Date: Mon, Oct 10, 2011 at 11:09 PM
Subject: Re: Re:
To: Crislyn Sand


I am consumed with sadness and shame. Every time I try to write, my hand is paralyzed, every time I try to speak, my throat is closed, no sound can escape.
 I AM distant; from you, from myself, from the world.
 I have no explanation that will make things right or put you at ease in any way. It is not accurate for me to say I fell out of love this day or that. There was not one moment. One day I understood what I had been ignoring:

 That we do not share the same goals and dreams. That we so rarely saw eye to eye.  I saw that we could make it work for some years, but these facts would ever re-emerge. I'd always tried to see past it or ignore it. One day I finally understood I could no longer.

 Your greatest need and desire in relationship centers on stability. And here I am with a life out of balance. Trying to summon the courage to look within and be honest I saw that this wouldn't change; that I would always be a source of stress an anxiety more than of comfort and relief  to you. I could finally see that I was ever unhealthy for you because of this. Ultimately our personal needs were too divergent. Thus what was good for one, was not good for the other and vice versa.

 Love could not conquer these differences. I was naive and foolish to think they could and always looked away from this truth because there was so much good in us. Because my feelings have always been so strong for you.
 One way of looking at love is that it means you want the best for another, despite your own wants and needs. I still want the best for you. That has never changed. But only recently could i recognize that I am not what is best for you.
 I could not dream or nightmare of the events that would follow my flight to see you in august. It is completely tragic and I remain broken and horrified and ashamed. And words cannot touch it. My silence results.

 At first I did seek the comfort of sleeping beside other women, out if loneliness and sadness.

 I am lost in the ocean. Alone, sad, afraid, ashamed. I dream of true health and happiness for you, free from this awful weight. I cannot stop dreaming, wishing, hoping, praying....